War in a Dress

To The Other Side of Dreaming: be brave enough to break your own heart

Dear Stacey,

I have been thinking a lot lately about my bottom line, about my non-negotiables. Elders and friends have deeply supported me in this process, and also gently, yet firmly, pushed me to have a hard-line of what is enough for me. What will I take and when will I know I will not take anymore? Change and transformation are both long processes and i am committed to us, but I am also committed to not being treated like crap forever. It doesn’t mean that I love you less or that I am any less committed to this process or the values of accountability and transformation. It just means that I have boundaries. I have limits and I have a lot of Try and Work-It-Out in me and I also have a Quit.

I was in a year-long mediation process with someone once, who I thought would change and I toughed it out for years. I kept thinking, “if I just try a little harder,” “just give it another 4 months,” and “just make more room for their feelings, after all, they have been through a lot of trauma.” But damn it, at some point don’t we have to acknowledge that we have ALL been through trauma—intense trauma. And we are all in our own processes and healing, AND we still have to find a way to be good to each other. We can’t be like, “oh, I’ll treat you better once I heal myself completely.” Because the truth is, we will never be done with the impact that all of our trauma has left on us. We have to learn how to do both—all—at the same time.

I felt like leaving that harmful relationship would be giving up on another queer woman of color. So, instead of dealing with how hard it would be to leave, i nstead of facing my broken heart and disappointment, I stayed. way to long.

I don’t want to be someone you take for granted.

I know too many people—especially queer (femme/feminine) women of color—who are in relationships where they are not being treated well, not being respected, not being cared for. I don’t want to be yet another woman of color pulling the weight of an entire relationship. I want more.

I’m going to keep thinking on my bottom-line(s). Sometimes when I don’t know what to do, I think about women of color yet to be born, and what I would want for them, and then I do that.

“Be brave enough to break your own heart.”

love,

mia